The impact of ‘Imposter Syndrome’ as a kayaker

Have you ever noticed that it is often seen that the ‘experts’ in a sport that have far more self doubts that the ‘beginners’? I have developed as a kayaker hugely since I first sat in a kayak 10 years ago. Yet the better I got at kayaking, the more self conscious I became about it. I have really struggled with feelings of imposter syndrome over the last few years and in the last few weeks especially I have been considering this topic more deeply.

This article, like many of my blog articles, has been a way to help me process my thoughts and feelings on the matter. If reading this helps you to process your own feelings – even better! A little warning that this article is very personal and really quite long! If you want to skip to my ‘top tips for dealing with imposter syndrome’ section I really won’t be offended. You can do so by clicking this link.

From a confident beginner to a nervous expert

When I first starting kayaking 10 years ago, I would give everything a go. Go side surf in the hole when my roll was about 50% reliable – sure thing! Be the first of the beginners group to run a rapid even though I was really scared – absolutely! I was completely terrified of the water most of the time but I would always give it a go. Being a newbie, nobody expecting anything from me. If I capsized or swam, that was treated as completely normal. If I didn’t capsize or swim, that was considered a real success. I was scared of the water, but I was not scared of giving it a go.

I made so much progress in my first year or two of paddling because I was confident to keep trying even when I didn’t succeed on my first attempt. I had the ultimate growth mindset around kayaking and my failures didn’t bother me as I saw them as a necessary part of the learning process to become a better kayaker.

Over time, I got better and started to be seen in a different way. Rather than ‘Here comes Del – be ready with the throwline.’, people started to say things like ‘Follow Del – she’ll lead you down’. ‘Del will go first – watch her line’. I was seen as someone who was competent and could even be relied on to lead and look after other people. I attended lots of kayaking events and started to get to know people beyond my immediate kayaking circle. I made friends and connected to people across the UK kayaking community and then later on with people from around the globe.

I became far more involved in the running of these kayaking events and at the same time more and more people seemed to have read this blog or seen my social media posts. At some point, I moved from being a complete beginner who nobody knew to someone who who would get regularly recognised whilst out paddling on rivers or attending kayaking events. I share this with you not to boast but to try and explain the context behind what this article is really about – feeling like an imposter and the negative impact that has had on my ability to enjoy paddling.

At some point, I noticed that I was being far more ‘watched’ every time I paddled than I ever had been before. I don’t think this was ever done with anything other than mild interest. I might often stop to watch paddlers that I know at HPP, my local white water course, on my walk back up to the top of the course. I likened the experiences as being similar. I knew more people and more people knew me and so there was a reason for them to watch me when I was paddling. It wasn’t a big deal. Nobody cared what I was doing. The only problem was that it started to become a big deal in my head.

I would feel nervous knowing that people were watching me and be more likely to mess up what I was doing. I would be annoyed with myself that people had seen me being such a ‘beater’. I became far more nervous about giving things a go because the consequences of ‘messing up’ seemed bigger than they ever had before. I was good enough at paddling that I had enough boat control to sabotage myself on the water. For example, I would miss getting on the wave when it came to my go if I felt someone was watching me as I was scared they might judge me for not having good enough boat control once I was on the wave. My progression massively slowed down as my nervousness meant I wasn’t willing to put myself in a position to push myself in my paddling anymore. I started to have really strong feelings of imposter syndrome.

Imposter Syndrome Activated!

I have always thought of myself as terrible at kayaking. At the start of my kayaking journey, that was very certainly true, I was objectively terrible at kayaking. I spent more time out of my kayak than in it and had absolutely no idea of how to control my kayak in any way whatsoever. However ‘terrible’ it is not an accurate way to describe my kayaking skillset now. It may be how I feel about myself but it is not reflective of what is actually going on.

When people call me a ‘good paddler’, my inner Del tells me that this is wrong and that I am an imposter. In my head, I am secretly a terrible kayaker who has just done a really good job of convincing everyone around me that I’m actually okay and before long the truth will come out and everyone around me will know I was a fraud!

Where does this imposter syndrome stem from you ask? Well, I think it is in part because of the very skewed viewpoint I have of the ‘average white water kayaker’ because of who I surround myself with on the water. Based in Nottingham, which is recognised globally as a bit of a hub for freestyle kayakers, my day to day experiences on the water are in the company of some very good paddlers.

My friends and the people I go kayaking with most regularly are mostly made up of athletes that compete on an international stage. This is mainly in freestyle kayaking but my friends list includes athletes who compete internationally in every discipline of kayaking you can think of. Many of my friends have won medals at these international events and all of them are exceptionally talented kayakers. These are the people I see paddling most and therefore these are the people I inevitably compare myself to.

My husband once asked me why I thought I was terrible at kayaking and it was as I said ‘well I’m never going to be good enough to represent my country at a world championships’ that I realised I might just be a little biased. In the grand scheme of things I am not ‘bad’ at kayaking – I’m just not as good as the people I see most regularly on the water. In my head, the are the ‘good’ kayakers and I am me! Not bad, but certainly not good!

I find it very hard to accept praise about my paddling from people who I do not feel know my paddling well. I had somebody I didn’t know message me about something a few weeks ago that started with ‘I know you are a great kayaker’. I don’t think they had seen me kayak in person before and the immediate urge I had to reply ‘no I’m not – you have got it wrong!’ was strong. However, I am very conscious about not doing this. I should not invalidate other people’s feelings or judgements because of my own personal issues. If someone genuinely looks up to me for whatever reason, then that really is a compliment and I try hard to take it as so!

The imposter syndrome got so bad a few years ago that it started to really affect my enjoyment on the water and my motivation to go paddling. I would choose only to paddle when I knew the white water course would be quieter in order to avoid people seeing me on the water. I would walk around rapids which I had the capabilities to paddle if there was a group of people watching.

I constantly felt like a fraud and my urge to ‘run and hide’ was pretty strong. I would have periods of time when I would deactivate my social media accounts so that people couldn’t find me or would consider deleting them all together. The idea of being ‘seen’ felt so overwhelming sometimes and I would go back and delete posts that I had previously shared in case ‘people thought I was trying to pretend I’m better at kayaking then I actually am and get angry with me’. It sounds ridiculous but when you are so deep in that pit of anxiety, it is easy to delude yourself into thinking these things.

The negative impact these feelings very having was making me want to quit kayaking completely. So I took some time out and reassessed my life choices. I considered why it was I was paddling in the first place and what my motivations were. I remembered that I actually like kayaking because it was fun and decided to prioritise having a good time on the water over anything else.

The last couple of years I have focused on doing exactly that – having fun on the water! I’ve prioritised paddling with friends whose company I enjoy, choosing sections of water I feel happy on and I take whatever kayak makes me feel most comfortable and able to enjoy the day the most. Things have got a lot better and I’ve gone back to regularly paddling rivers as well as paddling at my local white water course. I really love paddling again and it is mostly a positive experience. For the most part those feelings of being an imposter are not present or at least are easy enough to squash.

A recent relapse into bad habits

I’ll tell you a little story of something that happens to me in the last few weeks. The last couple of months (and all of 2024 if I’m being honest) have felt extremely busy. I went back to work at the end of August (teacher) which coincided with a series of extremely busy weekends. We had been away at the end of August for a very emotional weekend in North Wales to be part of the celebration for Bren. The following weekend, my husband Tom and I were organising the European Open in Nottingham which is predominately a freestyle event.

I have not spent much time in my playboat over the last few years and had not been in it since Euro Open the year before. Whilst I was helping to organise this Euro Open, I still wanted to get on the water and compete myself if I could. Having not been in my playboat in over a year, I felt I should try and go for a playboating session at my local white water course that week. It had been a very busy week at work following this very intensely emotional weekend in Wales. I put pressure on myself to get down to the course even though I was quite tired and overwhelmed as I felt that ‘I should’.

My husband came down with me and I got on the water. I felt frazzled and a bit stressed but told myself that once I was on it would be fine. I got on to practice a few rolls on the flat before going down the course. For my first roll I went over and came up straight away. As I went over for another roll, I saw someone who for a number of reasons that really are not justified I feel quite uncomfortable kayaking in front of at the moment.

A while back this person made some comments about ‘out of control people’ ‘getting in the way’ of others at HPP. One of my biggest fears when kayaking (especially at HPP), if that I will get in the way of people when I am having a beater moment and they will be angry with me for it. Although it was a very short conversation and this person probably doesn’t think this way about me, I now feel very self conscious paddling in front of them in case I ‘get in the way’ and annoy them. An absolute mountain out of a molehill I know. But it might help to explain what happened next.

I saw this person as I went to capsize and immediately it installed a huge wave of panic. I felt that I was a ‘out of control’ person who was now going to be ‘in their way’ on the water and this person would be cross with me. I went to roll up and failed my roll. Classic head up panic movements I believe. This was of course followed by MORE PANIC. I quickly went to roll again and again failed. Several more roll attempts and failures followed, each one accompanied by a chorus of angry thoughts directed at myself. The comments I was shouting at myself in my head were some of the most unkind comments I have made to myself in years. It was a short but unpleasant experience.

I swam. On flat water. In front of someone I was desperate not to out myself as a ‘fraud’ to.

As I pushed my kayak to the side and went to empty it, my husband, now on the water too, tried to make me feel better. I couldn’t even discuss what had just happened because I was so close to tears. I felt utterly humiliated. If I’m honest, I was fully expecting to swim whilst paddling that night. But I never even considered the possibility I would be swimming out of my kayak before I had even got onto the white water! The part that was most excruciating was swimming in front of someone who I felt looked down on me for being a ‘bad kayaker’. The only thing I said to my husband as I emptied by kayak was ‘I am NOT getting on the water this weekend.’

Determined not to end the session before it had begun, I emptied my kayak and got back on. I decided that I might not be able to roll my playboat but I would at least paddle it! We went down the course and I caught a few eddies and went to surf one of the features. It is quite good fun being in a playboat when you not swimming out of it. I went to spin and was nearly all the way round when I dropped my edge and capsized. A few failed rolls later and I was back to swimming down the course. Thank you to the lovely freestyle paddlers who came and helped fish me / my kayak out!

When I got off the water not long later, I felt very deflated. When I tried to pinpoint what I was most upset about, it was that someone who I was nervous around had seen me paddling so terribly. It felt like I had been exposed as that ‘imposter’. Here I was helping to organise a freestyle event that very weekend when I couldn’t even roll a playboat! I have been spending more time at HPP recently but always in my beloved Ozone. So my husband said to me later that evening – why not just paddle your Ozone this weekend instead?

Two days later and I was back at the course in my Ozone and with my lovely friend Matt Stephenson. I had shared with Matt how I was feeling and asked if he would come for a ‘joy paddle’ with me and maybe be there to look after me if it was needed. We had a really lovely evening. Back in a kayak I was used to and felt comfortable in, I was so much more relaxed. We started with a tailee session in top pool and I must have done a dozen or so rolls – each time coming up with no issues at all. We went down and caught eddies, surfed waves and just enjoyed paddling. I ended the evening feeling so much happier. I had let go of all my inhibitions and just paddled for fun. As a result I actually enjoyed myself as well as paddling much better. It is amazing how easy it it to roll a kayak when you are not incredibly tense and locked up!

Euro Open followed that weekend and it was a busy one! I was involved in running events all day Saturday but really wanted to get on the water to ‘compete’ as well. I had to physically run following the last event I was helping to organise just to get into gear and onto the water on time for my heat. I arrived to Troll Hole (the feature that my heat was on) out of breath and exhausted but determined to give it a go.

I saw my lovely friend Sal just before I got on and said I was nervous but determined to get on and try and have some fun. We had only seen each other the weekend before at the Dee to celebrate Bren and she reminded me to think ‘what would Bren say’. Bren was a hugely enthusiastic paddler who would always go above and beyond to share encouragement towards others. No doubt he would have said to get on and just have fun! So that’s what I tried to do. Thank you to Sal for having that short conversation with me just before I paddled and reminding me of this. Sometimes it really helps to have someone else remind of what is actually important in life.

This heat was a 20 minute jam style session and as it was the last heat of the day, there were not many paddlers left to compete. I was up first and in front of everybody who was watching, forced myself into Troll Hole. I side surfed, flipped, rolled up and paddled to the side! This process was repeated many times. I had lots of fun encouraging my friends who were also competing during their rides. I didn’t score a single point, (apparently ‘roll in the hole’ and ‘plug’ are not ICF accredited moves), but it didn’t matter!

In the final minutes of my heat, I went in for my last ride and capsized. I went to roll up and got immediately flipped again by the wave below. I went for several more roll attempts but my energy bank was empty and I ended it with a swim! The amazing safety team fished me out (thanks guys!) and I walked back up the top.

Here I was, a well known face at this event thanks to the fact I was helping to organise it, swimming in front of the entire crowd. Yet it just didn’t matter. There may well have been negative comments from people about me but no one said anything but nice things to my face. ‘You looked like you had fun Del!’, ‘Well done Del – good for you for getting on!’ The fear from my imposter syndrome would have led me to believe that everyone watching would have seen me swim and been immediately angry with me for it. But it just didn’t happen.

I felt proud of myself for getting on and giving it a go. It was have been so easy to not get on the water and let the ‘fear’ win this weekend but sometimes you just need to remind yourself of what is important. I think I have made a lot of progress over the last few years ‘tackling’ my imposter syndrome, so it has been an interesting experience to have such a sharp relapse with it recently.

Top tips for dealing with imposter syndrome?

After such a long and rambling article so far, I felt I better end this blog with some ‘top tips’ to deal with imposter syndrome. A useful take away hopefully for anyone else who also struggles with this!

• Remind yourself that nobody cares. This sounds kind of mean but I think it’s actually the most helpful. People live very busy lives and most of the time people are completely fixated on themselves. What you do does not matter to them. You have a swim? In that moment, people will probably notice. But once you are out the water and the swim has been dealt with, anyone watching has probably already moved on from it. You should too.
• Try and have fun on the water. You might have different motivations for your paddling but most people kayak because it is a hobby that they enjoy. If you are having fun, whatever that might look like, then you are already winning. Try and refocus your energies into enjoying yourself on the water if you can.
• Take the pressure off yourself. Ask yourself where this pressure is coming from? The only person you are really accountable to is yourself. You cannot control what other people think of you so try to worry about it (I appreciate that this is harder to do that to say). At the end of the day, that pressure is probably coming from within. Perhaps see if you can tone it down a bit and be a bit kinder to yourself.
• Remind yourself about why people actually like you and want to paddle with you. This sounds really silly but I think it is helpful to remind yourself of. Chances are, nobody wants to go kayaking with you because of your abilities. They probably want to go kayaking with you because they like going kayaking with you. That or you have a car / bring really good river snacks. Don’t put additional pressure on yourself to maintain a standard that others probably don’t care that much about. Being a good person trumps being a good kayaker. Remind yourself of that.

Final words

I don’t have all the answers – I never do. As I said in my opening paragraph, I wrote this article to get these thoughts out of my head more than anything. However if this blog has stuck you in some way, you may be interested in other articles I’ve written and linked below. Equally, if you have any thoughts to share on this topic, please do leave a comment!

• Dealing with anxiety & kayaking
• I lost my confidence in kayaking – then I found it again
• ‘I’m sorry I’m not good enough’ – Perfectionism on the water
• Mental Health & Kayaking
• Negative thoughts and how to combat them
• I am really happy right now and loving kayaking!

Happy paddling everyone!