‘I’m just so in love with learning at the moment!’ I excitedly shouted at my friend Matt as I paddled back into the eddy at Stanley Embankment. It was my first time paddling at this beloved tidal wave and I was having the time of my life! I had just tried to spin, caught an edge and dramatically got thrown upside down. As I rolled up on the messy eddy line, I was already thinking about my next surf. I knew what I had done wrong and was eager to try it again with a small change to see if it would make it better.
Something has shifted for me over the last six months. I’ve found myself in one of the most positive headspaces I’ve ever had for kayaking: playful, experimental, and genuinely comfortable with trying and failing. That mindset has quietly been transforming my paddling. I think I’ve made more progress in these last few months than I have in the last few years.
This article is a personal reflection on why that’s happening. It is about how embracing learning and small failures has reignited my confidence and accelerated my progression. I hope that, wherever you are in your own kayaking journey, some part of this resonates.
Your headspace matters more than you think
I’ve always been someone who feels things intensely. When I’m happy, I’m practically glowing and when I’m sad, it hits like a storm. I think this is quite common with people who are neurodivergent.
Over time I’ve realised just how closely those emotional tides are linked to my kayaking. For years I didn’t see the pattern. I just thought some days on the river were ‘good’ and some were ‘bad.’ But eventually it became impossible to ignore: my headspace off the water was absolutely showing up on the water too.
When life feels light and joyful, kayaking becomes the added bonus. I’m confident, playful, and willing to push myself in my kayaking. But when something in life is weighing heavily on me, my brain doesn’t switch off just because I’m in a kayak. Those thoughts follow me into the eddy, and suddenly everything feels harder. I can’t focus and this generally results in my paddling getting worse.
The difference now is that I recognise it. When I feel myself getting distracted or overwhelmed, I adjust. I stay well within my comfort zone, choosing lines and features that let me enjoy the water without demanding too much from my head-game. It means I still get the joy and grounding that kayaking gives me, without the consequences of pushing too hard when I’m not mentally present.
It’s taken years to understand myself well enough to paddle this way; to notice the emotional patterns, to accept them, and to manage them with kindness rather than frustration. It wasn’t always like this, but learning to read myself better has become one of the most important skills I’ve developed as a kayaker.
Where my headspace shows up first: HPP
As I live in Nottingham, my closest white water is Holme Pierrepont (HPP) white water course. I have been paddling regularly there for over a decade and tend to have a bit of complicated relationship with it.
HPP is a river fed white water course is deep and has a surprising amount of power to it. It has distinct set features, which can change according to the course configuration. In between those features, it is relatively flat with lots of eddies and those eddies have eddy lines which are not the friendliest. They are boily and turbulent and take a little bit of getting used to. Once you know what to expect, they are quite okay but they can catch you by surprise and rolling on the eddy lines takes some practice (especially in a playboat).
Confidence is key when paddling at HPP. If you doubt yourself and don’t commit to whatever it is you are doing (going into the feature, crossing an eddy line, rolling etc) then it will catch you out. Like many kayakers, my kayaking is massively affected by my head-game. When I am feeling confident in myself and my paddling – that shows in my paddling and HPP is fun. When I am not feeling confident, HPP can feel scary and I stop enjoying myself.
When I’m in a good headspace, HPP brings out the best in me. I feel sharp, switched on, and ready to try things that scare me just a little. I feel confident, trust myself in my abilities, and actually enjoy the challenge. But when life feels heavy, the course magnifies every wobble. My confidence drains, and suddenly even simple moves feel overwhelming.
A few years ago, I was struggling a lot with my mental health. I went through a rough patch off the water which knocked my confidence and it showed up instantly in my kayaking. I lost my roll, not physically, but mentally. Every time I capsized, panic rushed in before technique. I’d swim and immediately be left feeing frustrated and confused about why everything felt so difficult. It wasn’t a skill problem; it was a headspace problem. HPP stopped being fun.
The turning point came when I stopped fighting it. Instead of forcing progression, I gave myself permission to take a break from HPP. When I returned, I paddled it like a river. I stopped playing, stayed in my comfort zone, and rebuild slowly. I focused on small wins such as smooth ferry glides or a calm roll.
I also spent a lot of time working on myself and specifically trying to manage my perfectionism and develop a growth mindset. It’s been slow but I’ve been persistent with it and I really do feel that I have found my confidence again and got a much better attitude towards both life and kayaking. In the process, HPP became fun again.
Now, when I paddle at HPP, I’m more aware of what I’m bringing with me. If I’m feeling good, I’ll push myself. If I’m carrying stress, I’ll keep things mellow. That self-awareness has made a big difference. HPP hasn’t changed but the way I meet it has. The last few months, my relationship with HPP has been a really positive one.
A love of learning
The last few months of HPP sessions have been SO MUCH FUN. Probably the most fun I have had at HPP since I first started kayaking. I am going 3-4 times a week (or every day during the heat waves) and I am borderline obsessed with it again. The reason why is that I feel I am learning!
I never lost my love of kayaking or learning within kayaking but for the last few years, that love has definitely shifted to river running and learning how to paddle downstream better. It’s been great but finding a renewed love of playing again has been wonderful!
Feeling more confident has meant I paddle better at HPP but also my roll is more reliable because I am calmer. Often people (including myself) fail rolls because they panic. Their technique is sloppy so they fail their first attempt or they go over in an awkward place and after failing one roll, panic and bail. I have been upside down in really awkward spots in the last few months which has meant it has taken 3+ roll attempts to come up but I have stayed calm because I am confident that I will come up. Pause and wait then try again. It has felt liberating.
When there is no fear of swimming (whether the swimming is a real risk or not), it opens you up to trying things you can’t do. You are okay with failure because it doesn’t matter. I am pretty comfortable at HPP at the moment. That doesn’t mean I am not nervous about certain features or trying certain things – but I am still comfortable enough to give them a go. I am comfortable with trying and failing.
There’s something magical about the way kayaking can reward curiosity. You try a thing, it doesn’t work, you flip, you roll up, and immediately your brain is buzzing with ideas of how to improve. Leaving that comfort zone can feel scary. But it is where you are going to learn things. Every attempt feels like a tiny puzzle, and every small improvement feels like a win.
I’ve been spending more time in features that used to intimidate me, and instead of feeling stressed, I feel playful. I’m experimenting, failing, laughing, trying again. I’m not chasing perfection but rather the feeling of learning. Learning has become genuinely joyful.
Learning through little wins
Learning is, at its core, just doing things you can’t consistently do yet and lately, that’s become my favourite part of kayaking. Every session at HPP feels like a chance to play, experiment, and chip away at tiny goals that make me grin like a beginner again.
Years ago, a friend on the GB freestyle team said something that completely reframed how I think about progression. We were waiting above a feature and I told her to go first because she was training. She looked at me and said, ‘But so are you.’ I laughed and told her I couldn’t even loop my playboat, so how could I possibly be ‘training’? She replied, ‘You’re here trying things you can’t do yet. That’s training. If you only did what you’d already mastered, that would be different.’
That conversation stuck with me. It reminded me that learning isn’t reserved for elite paddlers. It’s for anyone willing to try something new.
Take spins, for example. I managed my first one eight years ago on a tiny wave on the Tawe, and I was ecstatic. But over the last few years, my confidence dipped and my roll became unreliable, so I stopped trying them. Spins felt risky, and I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I might miss a roll.
Coming back to HPP with renewed confidence has changed everything. I’ve been spinning again, a LOT, and each one feels as exciting as that first spin on the Tawe.
At Stanley Embankment, I was so delighted every time I managed a spin that a paddler in the eddy asked if it was a new move for me. I told her it was a ‘renewed move,’ and honestly, that’s exactly how it feels.
Right now, one of my goals is consistency: multiple spins, spinning in different features, spinning on both sides. All things I can sometimes do, but not always. They are small goals, but they give me a clear focus every time I get on the water. And each tiny improvement feels incredible.
I’ve also fallen in love with wall splats again. I am paddling a Pyranha Storm currently which is the perfect boat was splats and waves. Not only do the splats feel amazing but the awkward rolling situations splats put you in have been brilliant for my roll practice.
Sometimes you need to push your boat away from the wall with your paddles and then roll up. Better to practice this in a safe place like HPP and know you have that skill in the bag for if it is ever needed on a river!
These little challenges – spins, splats, awkward rolls – are giving me so much joy and the feeling of getting better. They’re proof that progression doesn’t always come from big breakthroughs. Sometimes it comes from tiny goals, repeated often, with a big smile every time you get a little closer.
Why learning is the ‘real secret’ to progression
The more time I spend on the water, the more convinced I am that progression isn’t so much about physical improvements but rather it is about your mindset allowing you to be open to learning new things. It’s about showing up to the river with the willingness to try things you can’t yet do, and letting yourself learn through failure.
Over the last few months, that mindset has changed everything for me. I’ve stopped measuring my paddling by what I should be able to do and started celebrating what I’m learning instead. Some days that’s a clean spin. Some days it’s a calm roll after an awkward flip. Some days it’s simply recognising that my headspace isn’t right for pushing hard and choosing kindness instead which is usually followed by lots of soul surfing on my favourite waves.
Do you know what the best thing is? That mindset shift has led to more progression than anything else I’ve tried. Not because I’m training harder, but because I’m enjoying the process again. When I’m eager to learn, I try more things. When I try more things, I learn more. When I learn more, I progress. Progression is the reward for learning through failing. It is lovely that for me right now it is happening in a way that is organic and full of joy.
If you’re reading this as a paddler who sometimes feels stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure where to go next, I hope this gives you permission to take the pressure off. Set tiny goals. Celebrate tiny wins. Play more. Fail more. Smile more. Let learning be the thing that pulls you forward.
Because when you fall in love with learning, progression stops being a destination and instead becomes something that happens naturally and often without you noticing.
‘You are looking really confident at the moment’ someone said to me in HPP carpark the other day as I was getting off from another fun session. I replied ‘Thank you. I feel confident’. I meant it.
Conclusion
Falling back in love with learning has quietly transformed my paddling over the last few months. Not through big breakthroughs, but through setting tiny goals and genuinely finding so much joy in working towards those goals. When I let myself play and fail without pressure, progression follows naturally.
If you’re feeling stuck or unsure where to go next, let learning be the thing you chase. Celebrate the small wins, stay curious, and give yourself permission to enjoy the process. Progression will follow.
Keep an eye on my Instagram page if you want to see updates on how my play sessions at HPP are coming along!